Of course we’re all shocked that Britney Spears and Kevin Federline, now duly christened “Fed-Ex” in the blogosphere, have split. Maybe we shouldn’t be surprised: After all, they have been separated since, um, Monday, according to court papers filed yesterday in Los Angeles. Then there’s the little matter of Brit’s first marriage, which lasted all of 55 hours — not exactly the harbinger of an enduring union the second time around.
The reason behind her parting from K-Fed? “Irreconcilable differences,” according to Britney’s petition for divorce. Neither side would comment further. But the marriage of the pop princess and alleged rapper has resembled a circus train wreck ever since the couple hooked up in 2004.
Now, I don’t wanna take advantage of someone else’s personal misfortune (namely the Spears-Federline children) to make a political point here, but … OK, actually I do and I’m gonna.
I’ll just get right to the point. She’s done this before, with that Vegas wedding in 2004 that was done as a kind of drunken joke, only to be annulled 55 hours later. The ink was barely dry on the annulment of the first marriage before the second one was going full tilt boogie, and the second marriage born out of the break-up of Federline’s existing family with his then-pregnant girlfriend.
But Britney’s union does not make a mockery of marriage, nor are either of her marriages a “deep crisis” for society or “part of the new ideology of evil.” Mine, on the other hand, is shaking the very foundations of civilization, and weakening every marriage within a 100 mile radius, probably causing another divorce as we speak.
Britney has been legally married twice — once for 55 hours and once for just over two years — and apparently without much more forethought than one might give to choosing choosing a flavor of bubble gun. I have been all-but-legally married for over 6 years, which required a lot of forethought about how to protect our relationship.
Yet, in both of Spears’ marriages she’s enjoyed benefits and protections that my husband and I are do not, even though the depth of our commitment to one another and our family is no less than Spears’ commitment to hers. And though her first husband didn’t sign a pre-nup, while her second husband probably did, they both had rights and protections in the midst of divorce that same-sex couples do not, including custody and visitation rights. And it goes without saying that their children get all the benefits and protections of having parents who can legally marry. Ours do not.
Someone, please, tell me — explain it to me like I’m four years old (or like I’m Britney Spears) — where is the justice in all of the above?
As for Federline, I’m sure he’ll be fine. Even though Brit dumped him in time to avoid another year of alimony as specified by the pre-up (chances are her lawyers alerted her to the approaching deadline for divorce this year), said pre-nup also gives him more money for every child he had with Spears.
When his sperm-donor fee runs out, I have just a bit of career advice for him. Consider a reality show with Bobby Brown. I can even suggest some working titles, like “Curbed” or “Curbside, with Bobby Brown and Kevin Federline.” Who knows, there might even be the possibility of a dual CD as part of the package. And of course the inevitable DVD set of the first (only?) season.
Either way, Britney and Kevin will be just fine.
Our families? Well…