The Republic of T.

Black. Gay. Father. Vegetarian. Buddhist. Liberal.

Hey Heteros! Up Yours!

This may be old news, but after that last post I couldn’t resist sharing it anyway. Remember the urban legend about that old “Newlywed Game” episode? You know, “Up the butt, Bob”? Well, the couple in that clip may have been ahead of their time, but the rest of the heterosexual population is starting to catch up. Not only are heterosexuals not abstaining, they’re taking up … um … taking it up the ass. According to no less than the CDC.

The survey, released last year, showed that 38.2 percent of men between 20 and 39 and 32.6 percent of women ages 18 to 44 engage in heterosexual anal sex. Compare that with the CDC’s 1992 National Health and Social Life survey, which found that only 25.6 percent of men 18 to 59 and 20.4 percent of women 18 to 59 indulged in it.

And even some straight guys are considering, um, taking it up. They’re even buying the accessories. For health reasons, of course.

Though the report is chock-full of all kinds of straight, gay, and lesbian sex in fairly graphic detail, there’s absolutely no research on female-to-male anal play. It turns out that the straight-male fear of reciprocal anal play is a potent mix of sexism and homophobia; a straight man can do it to someone else, but having it done to him isn’t okay.

But the newly discovered anti-cancer benefits of prostate stimulation are giving straight guys—especially the progressive New York breed—a legitimate excuse to be more, shall we say, open to exploration. And men’s magazines, which until recently discussed anal sex only in terms of how to trick a girlfriend into giving it up, now publish articles on the Aneros—the doctor-created, FDA-approved prostate stimulator—and the male G-spot, a.k.a. the P-spot, a.k.a. the He-spot.

The New York Magazine article doesn’t mention it. But this news brings to mind something else I read yesterday.

If the popularity of anal sex among heterosexuals is on the upswing — and even straight men are receptive — at the same time that same-sex marriage is moving closer to being a reality, we may have just uncovered how same-sex marriage will destroy heterosexual marriages. And there’s little danger in mentioning it here because the other side would never admit to it.

I can’t take credit for discovering it, though. Someone else beat me to it.

Jerry: I don’t understand it. You were having such a great time, the sex, the shopping.

Elaine: Well here’s the thing. Being a woman, I only really have access to the, uh… equipment, what, thirty, forty-five minutes a week. And that’s on a good week. How can I be expected to have the same expertise as people who *own* this equipment, and have access to it twenty-four hours a day, their entire lives.

Jerry: You can’t. That’s why they lose very few players.

Elaine: Yeah, I guess I never really stood a chance.

Jerry: Well there’s always a place for you, on our team.

That is, if enough practice convinces some guys to consider trading up to “the big leagues,” where we’re well practiced and fully acquainted with “the equipment” from every angle.

6 Comments

  1. Hilarious, T. I was out just last night with a female friend who was talking about her love of the back door. And did you see the permiere of Dirt on FX? One of the storylines involved a famous jock hooking up with a woman & playing bend over boyfriend.

    It’s definitely less taboo, but homophobia is bound to mean it has far to go.

  2. Honestly, it’s nothing new. I just thought it was worth posting because so many people assume that heterosexuals don’t do the same things homosexuals do. Just goes to so they do.

    Straight people have been having anal sex since they figured out it was a good way to avoid pregnancy and “preserve virginity.” (Same goes for oral sex, which started among heterosexuals long before Bill & Monica.)

    The only thing that puzzles me is what women enjoy about receptive anal sex. They don’t have prostate glands, so it’s not prostate stimulation. Must be something else, I guess. Either that or some enjoy it and others do it to keep their partner’s happy, etc.

  3. terrance,

    tell the truth and shame the devil!

    this post always makes me think of AIDS in Africa. So often, intelligent people report that AIDS is so widely spread among heteros in Africa through vaginal sex because the men, supposedly, have open, untreated sores on their shafts. No one ever mentions that it might also be spread primarily the same way that it has spread among gay men: through unprotected anal sex.

    I love it how people like to act as though woment don’t have anal sex.

    And I’ve been told by more than a few women who enjoy it is that anal sex stimulates the clitoris from the back side in a way that vaginal sex does not.

    Go figure.

  4. As a nurse who spent years working the night shift, I’m reminded of the sexual and often very hilarious conversations I used to have with my mostly female co-workers. Mostly, this trash talk was all humor — and was probably some subconscious way we made ourselves stay awake while the rest of the world slept.

    One night, a few of my female friends asked me how it was, how it felt . . . the sex “back there.”

    So, I proceeded to give them an inservice . . . Anal Sex 101.

    They still come up to me at work reminding me of that night, and of their real-life “clinical” experiments at home afterwards!

    What’s interesting is that the few of those that never “followed up” where those who didn’t believe me — mostly because their men had already tried it before using the Vag Approach Method (full speed ahead).

    Every straight couple needs a gay friend!

  5. As a bisexual woman who has had anal sex with male and female partners, I feel the need to weigh in on the “butt why?” implied in your comment.

    Maybe it’s part of how men and women are wired differently.

    I like a lot of sexual activity that doesn’t, all by itself, lead directly to orgasm. Anal sex is intense, intimate, erogenous; it requires being in the moment and in communication with your partner — all things that can get me (and apparently a whole lot of other women!) pretty hot and bothered.

    Of course, I have no idea what it would be like to have a prostate. But I like what I’ve done, and don’t feel like I’m missing out any more than I imagine you feel like you’re missing out by not having breasts.

  6. I’m dying to know how many google searches this post leads to. I get many searches for interracial porn everyday…..I’m sure this post has really upped your traffic.

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