The Republic of T.

It’s one of those things most families probably take for granted but that gay families deal with on a regular basis; the kind of thing you do without thinking in the course of going about your life an doing things like making plans for a vacation or a move to a new city. You need a hotel room, so you pick up the phone and make a reservation. The only real requirement is that you’re able to pay for the room. All you really need is a credit card.

Unless you’re gay and in South Carolina.

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It’s probably not great form to follow one blogging meta post with another but, like Kos (probably one of the few things we have in common), I love meta. I can get lost in it sometimes, and forget that not everyone else finds it as interesting as I do. But in this case, I think some people might be interested. Plus it makes a good follow up to the previous post, in terms of contact.

But it does mean dipping a toe back into the waters of the debate around blogs and diversity. And even though I’ve written about blogging while brown before, I was a little reluctant to do so again. The last time I “went there,” the water turned out to be hotter than I expected. It only got hotter, and several people ended up getting a little scalded. In the end I wanted nothing more than to get out of the debate. But some debates you can’t escape, particularly when the have their roots in a larger one. Turns out, I didn’t so much dip a toe into that water as I was born into it, and just wandered into the middle of a “hot spot.”

A few posts I’ve noticed recently, though, enticed me to wander back into those waters. Either I don’t know any better or I just can’t help it.

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The things you miss when you’ve got your head down, putting together lengthy blog posts about various issues. I mentioned in the previous post that I’ve blogged a lot in the past about blogrolls, the politics of linking in, and how links are a kind of currency that follow the same rules as currency in any other economy: those who have the most tend to get the most, tend to keep it, and tend exchange it mostly among themselves.

It’s been a long time since I’ve focused on the subject at length; that’s mostly because I’ve found it has little to no effect, and partly because I got the sense that people were tired off reading about it. Most of all, I finally realized a few things: the topics I blog about and the kind of blogging I do will never attract a huge audience, and if attracting a huge audience would most likely mean changing what I blog about and how I blog. I’ve decided against the latter.

I’m not one of those people, and I’ll never be one of those people, because I’m not willing to change what I’d need to change to be one of those people. I don’t hang with them, I don’t roll with them, and I’ve pretty much stop listening or participating in their conversations. Kos and Atrios don’t know me from Adam. And that’s fine.

But while catching up on my blog reading I came across this post on Booman Tribune about a fundraiser at Orcinus, and this part stopped me in my tracks.

Dave Neiwert’s holding a fundraiser at his blog Orcinus. Like many, he’s suffered the ill effects of the great blogroll purge, which is a shame because he is, bar none, one of the best writers on the intertubes. He covers a topic in depth that few in the mainstream media even acknowledge, the rise of right wing extremism and its effects on our society. Not only that, but his coverage of that subject is as deep in its analysis as it is broad in scope.

Two things. One, I’ve got to start reading Orcinus regularly. Sounds like my kind of bloggger. Second, “blogroll purge”? There was a blogroll purge and I missed it? Where have I been? What have I been doing? And how did I miss it?

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After reading the responses from the other black gay men who participated in Bernie’s series on black gay men at mid-life, I talked with Bernie and decided to complete my questionnaire and post my answers here as Bernie posts the rest of the series.

In the first post, Bernie asks:

When and how did you acknowledge to yourself an attraction towards men? How did you first begin to seek out others with whom you could explore these feelings?

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I’m a little busy for serious blogging today, so if you’re looking for some interesting reading head over to Bejata where Bernie is in the middle of a fascinating series of posts on black gay men at mid-life. Here’s what he had to say about why he launched the series.

They are part of the Baby Boom generation. Born between the mid-1950’s and the late 1960’s, the oldest were in elementary school during the March on Washington in 1963, the assassinations of Malcolm X (1965), Martin Luther King (1968) and the birth of the modern gay rights movement touched off by the Stonewall Riots in 1969.

… Just as many of these men were coming of age and growing in their own self-awareness, HIV/AIDS arrived, in the early 1980’s. This generation of Black gay men would lose literally thousands of their peers to the pandemic, but they would also be on the frontlines of activist efforts to do something about it. Most of the Black gay national and local organizations for health and social support were started, if not by this generation, then by those who came just before them, during their youth, and with their active participation.

As time has passed, personal and social priorities have shifted. America has always been a youth-oriented culture and the gay community is no different. People once vital and valued members of the community, may now struggle to find connection or may willingly choose to pursue interests less singularly focused. Older, but with lives no less vibrant or purposeful, these men must now redefine themselves at midlife.

The posts feature response to a questionnaire Bernie sent to a number of black gay men who fit the description above. (I was among those who received a questionnaire, but didn’t complete mine in time to be included in the series. My bad!) The series thus far consists of four parts: A Conversation With My Brothers; The Search for Community; Friendship, Love and Intimacy; and The End of Our Youth.

For a look into lives most often left unexamined in our culture, and voices most often ignored or unheard, check out Bernie’s posts.

Normally, as a vegetarian and someone concerned about animal welfare, PETA’s activities make me cringe. (My favorite group as far as vegetarian activism goes is Compassion Over Killing.) So I don’t may much attention to PETA. That’s too bad, because I end up missing things like their contest to pick the Sexiest Vegetarian Alive.

Now, that’s something I can get behind. It’s particularly cool that the contestants are everyday people, rather than celebrities. I’ve already case my vote, but here are my picks from among the guys. (Sorry, I didn’t cast a vote for any of the women. I can appreciate a beautiful women, of course, but sexiness isn’t something I think about when it comes to women.)

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I’ve been out all day, running a blog training session (turns out I have some decent teaching skills and also enjoy it a lot, so I’m morphing in to a trainer), and didn’t think I ‘d actually get to blog today. But then this came into my mailbox via the LGBTPOC listserv and it’s … well … interesting to say the least. It’s not all that surprising, because this stuff has been going on for a long, long time.

Still, apparently it’s newsworthy when white guys want big black guys to have sex with their wives, and get so turned on by it that they host a network of “Mandingo” sex parties.

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I don’t often blog about food or cooking, even though it’s one of my biggest hobbies. (I once applied to culinary school, got accepted and offered a grant, but decided not to go after spending a summer working in a restaurant.) I love to try new recipes, and since the Food Network is one the most-watched channels in our house, I’m always seeing recipes I want to try. When I do, I fly to the computer to find them on the network’s website, print them up and stick them in my binder. (Yes, I have a binder of recipes printed from various websites. So I don’t have to print them up again every time I want to use them.)

Deserts are a specialty of mine, and I love peaches. So when Alton Brown demonstrated this recipe for Individual Peach Upside-Down Cakes, I knew I’d have to try it.

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Crossposted from my EchoDitto Blog.

I want you to try something right now, especially if you’ve never done it before. (And if you haven’t, why on earth not?) Google your name. (If you’ve got fairly common first and last names, try using quotations.) Done? Good. You’ve just taken the first step to discovering who’s saying what about you online.

In other words, you’ve plugged into your online reputation. Didn’t know you had one? Unfortunately, if you’ve ever applied for a job, been in the news, or had a doctor’s appointment you may be the last to know about your online reputation. You may also be surprised at what you find there.

And, yes. I did say if you’ve ever gone to the doctor you may have an online reputation. Why? Because doctors are blogging and some doctors are blogging about their patients.

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No doubt there are people who would beg to differ. Nonetheless, I was surprised to find that Shannon at Peter’s Cross Station has added me to the to the Thinking Blog meme. Actually, it’s the Thinking Blog Awards, according to the original post. If that’s the case, then it’s the first blogging award I’ve ever received. Perhaps that’s because you basically win if you’re nominated. (It is always an honor to be nominated, of course). The original post in this meme also touches on the whole issue of linking in the blogosphere; something I’ve written about many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many times. And I’m planning on writing about it again in the near future, as recent post on another blog (along with some research I’ve been doing) brought the subject to mind again.

What’s a Thinking Blogger, anyway?

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Well, that was interesting, though rather long. But I’m not sure I agree with all of the results.
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What do people have against girls? No, really. It kind of mystifies me when here about some of the things that get people riled up where girls are concerned. I mean, there was the whole HPV vaccination — the one that could save many young women from cervical cancer (and save a few young men from anal cancer too) — and the people who thought it was a bad thing, because these young women might have sex and not get HPV or end up with cervical cancer. And we all know that those are far better outcomes than allowing young women to “sin without consequences.”

Wouldn’t it be awful if young women were sexually active and didn’t end up with HPV and cervical cancer? Sure, but it would be even more awful if young women learned how to figure out with they could have sex without a huge risk of pregnancy. And there’s only one way to make sure they don’t figure it out. Make sure they know as little about their bodies as possible, and whatever you do, don’t let them read any books on how their bodies work.

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Have you ever had a friend go through a messy divorce or break-up? At first, you’re sympathetic as you would be with anyone whose relationship has come to an end; especially a messy, painful end. Then you hear a bit more of the story and wince at some of the details. Okay, so your friend isn’t perfect, but disappointment and a broken heart will sometimes make people do things they wouldn’t if they were in their right minds.

The problem is, it doesn’t stop. The couple goes their separate ways, but you’re friend can’t let go. Next thing, you’re friend is leaving messages on the ex’s voicemail and making impromptu appearances at the ex’s workplace; leaving evidence of madness all over the place. It gets to the point where you’re embarrassed for your friend.

If this sounds familiar, you may be friends with Terry McMillan.

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Like about 37% of adults, I’m an avid gamer. But like I’ve said before, I’m a bit of a odd duck when it comes to gaming. I’m pretty bad at first-person shooters, and most of them don’t appeal to me. My bent is towards simulation games. Those are common enough but only occasionally do I come across games that also involve another interest of mine, like political simulation games.  

So, I was surprised and intrigued to learn of a game that incorporated another interest of mine: Buddhism. And when I found out it was a game about Buddhist ethics, I decided to check it out. After all, it’s a game where you lose points for killing (including animals). How could I not check it out?

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I’m not sure why this Washington Post article on “Mommy Guilt” bugged me a little bit when I read it, but it set something off in the back of my mind. And then I realized what it was. They were talking about me and didn’t seem to know it.

According to a University of Maryland study, today’s mothers spend more hours focused on their children than their own mothers did 40 years ago, often imagined as the golden era of June Cleaver, television’s ever-cheerful, cookie-baking mom.

In 1965, mothers spent 10.2 hours a week tending primarily to their children — feeding them, reading with them or playing games, for example — according to the study’s analysis of detailed time diaries kept by thousands of Americans. That number dipped in the 1970s and 1980s, rose in the 1990s and now is higher than ever, at nearly 14.1 hours a week.

This is especially striking because it is at odds with how today’s mothers view their own lives: Roughly half of those interviewed said they did not have enough time with their children.

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I started to go down this road in the previous post about black homophobia, after some thought, it seemed better to address in a separate post. Besides the previous post was getting kind of long. It’s something I’ve actually wanted to blog about for a while, regarding homosexuality and morality. I started putting together a post a several weeks ago but then thought the moment had passed, but with Hillary and Obama’s recent comments it became topical again.

It comes down to a basic question: Can you be gay and be a good person? Can you be good person and be gay? Can you be gay and good? Good and gay? From religious conservatives, there seem to be two answers: Maybe. And no.

In his remarks during and after the NBJC Black Church Summit, Bishop Harry Jackson seemed to go back and forth on this question, of whether homosexuality and or same-sex activity are inherently immoral, but then seemed to come down on the side that one can’t be homosexual and moral. I started writing a post to address that assumption, but Leonard Pitts basically did it for me.

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I’ve referenced Stephanie Coontz’s book, Marriage, a History: How Love Conquered Marriage, before and am looking through it now to pull some passages for reference in an upcoming post. Of the books I’ve read on marriage, Coontz’s is the most comprehensive take on how the “institution” has changed with every social change that’s come down the pike. In fact, it’s been in a constant state of flux. If you don’t read any other book on the history of marriage, I’d recommend Coontz’s book.

In the meantime, you can check out her recent op-ed, “‘Traditional Marriage’ isn’t as Straight Forward as All That.” (Love the play on words in the title. Don’t you?)

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I light of the previous post about the video of the boy doing a Beyonce routine, and the online response to the video, it seems relevant to point out what can happen when gay kids find acceptance at home, and their gifts are celebrated. An email this morning pointed me to this Metro Weekly interview with actor Doug Spearman of Noah’s Arc, who returns to D.C. (he’s a native, I guess) to accept an award from PFLAG.

What Spearman has to say about his childhood and his parents’ acceptance is worth checking out.

MW: Regarding the upcoming gala, have you had much experience with PFLAG?

SPEARMAN: I’ve always been a supporter. I’ve always thought it was an amazing organization.

With my parents, it wasn’t a big surprise. My dad knew [I was gay] by the time I was 4. He caught me wrapped up in the curtains, twirling around. My parents gave me a lot of hope and they gave me a lot of strength. And the two things they never screwed up with me were sex and religion. I was never told I was going to hell because of who I was, and I was encouraged to be me, no matter what. My mom not only bought me Barbies, she made clothes for them. My parents weren’t crazy about any of the girls I dated, but every guy I brought home they loved and took in and really opened their hearts. I was amazed at my father, in particular, because he was a ”man’s man.” He was the black version of John Wayne. And for him to put up with Mark or Philippe or any of those guys I dragged home, was amazing.

MW: Does this progressive quality run throughout your family?

SPEARMAN: I think my parents were probably more progressive, more open than most of the members of my family.

Going through puberty, I just buried myself in books. One of the paperbacks I bought at the time was The Front Runner by Patricia Nell Warren. My grandmother saw me reading it. She picked it up, flipped over the back cover and read it. She was incensed. She called my mother. I could hear my mother on the phone, and she was like, ”Let him read it!” Because my mother normalized things like that, I did a book report on it for English class in the eighth grade. I got it back and it said, ”You were very brave.” I got an A-minus.

I don’t know many parents, especially African American parents, who would buy Barbie dolls for their (obviously gay) sons, let alone make clothes for the dolls. I played with my sister’s Barbies. I don’t know if my parents particularly noticed, but it wasn’t long before I got a G.I. Joe, a Ken doll, and a Six Million Dollar Man. They all got taken back to my room and immediately stripped. Once I got over my disappointment, I spent hours of time playing with them in my room. (What they got up to is another post for another time.)

But the point is, Attention Parents: If your gay or lesbian child gets your love, acceptance, and support, they might grow to be healthy, happy, and successful. That is, in addition to being gay.

More homophobic than whom? More homophobic than whites? More homophobic than the general population? Or all of the above?

One of the things I wanted to blog about last week, but didn’t get a chance to was this Alternet post featuring video from the National Black Justice Foundation’s 2nd Annual Black Church Summit, in which Michael Eric Dyson addresses the question that’s been on my mind a lot in as I’ve been reading stuff online lately: “Why are black people so homophobic?”

Pam supplied the video as part of her excellent coverage of the summit. I was invited to cover the summit, but due to family responsibilities was unable to make it. So, I particularly appreciated Pam’s coverage, and will return later to some things she addressed.

I also caught Keith’s post “Why Are Whites So Homophobic?”, in which he states:

Every time a Tim Hardaway or an Isaiah Washington or an unknown black preacher makes an anti-gay comment, reporters call me up and ask why are black people so homophobic. But when high-profile white people make homophobic remarks, nobody ever asks why are white people so homophobic. They should, because the answers to the two questions are related. African Americans are homophobic because white Americans are homophobic. We all live in the same homophobic society, and in this case the prejudice starts from the president on down.

I understand where Keith is coming from, but for a while now I’ve not been willing to defend African Americans anymore against charges of being more homophobic than other groups. I know it’s controversial to say that black people are more homophobic than other people, but my personal experience has been that most black people are more homophobic than are most white people I’ve encountered, and defnitely more homophobic as a group than is the general population. I still haven’t seen or experience much that’s convinced me otherwise.

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I forgot to mention on Friday that the newest Carnival of the Liberals is up at Brainshrub. My post on Michael Savage's attack on gay families is among the ten posts chosen. Go check out the rest!