Personally, I don’t think mothering is inherently female. I think men can mother, and women can father. To me mothering and fathering are sets of behaviors, that stem from traditional gender roles. I don’t think one achieves the status of mother just because she is female.

Of course, in an ideal world we would talk about parenting not mothering and fathering. We would not divide family roles like this, but unfortunately many people still do. While same sex couples challenge some of these norms, they are also products of this gendered society just like everyone else, and those norms are so powerful and pervasive it is impossible to totally shun them.

My point really wasn’t the old tired stereotype that every relationship has a “male role” and “female role.” I agree with you on that point, but my concern is about behaviors not so much individual gender identities.

I know of cases where the lesbian partner who gives birth to a child ends up engaging in the mommy role or I know of cases where one male partner in a gay relationship ends up being the stay at home parent and replicates a mommy role.

I thought about that after I wrote the post, and saw one article describing the same thing you mentioned in lesbian families. That’s probably more likely in families where the child has a biological connection to one parent and not the other. And I know of one or two examples of what you described in gay male households. It kind of makes me wonder.

You have a point, though. Just as we all grow up in a society steeped racism, we grow up in a society tinged with sexism and soaked with “traditional gender ideologies.” not to mention homophobia. So, we can’t help but absorb some of it.

However, I’d like to think that gay & lesbian parents are at least more likely to be aware of their own conditioning on some level. I know some of us are, and consciously work not to pass that on to our children.

For example, Parker went through a period when one of his favorite colors was pink. If had a particular item came in more than one color, and one of them was pink, he’d chose the pink one. (If it was pink and red, that was even better.)

A lot of parents, especially dads, might have been disturbed with that and tried to encourage him to pick something else. But we didn’t. We don’t want to teach him that it’s “wrong” for him to like pink. He’ll get that soon enough, but his home should be a place where he isn’t judged for liking a “girl’s” color. There are no “girl’s colors” in our house. If he wanted to play with Barbie dolls, that’d be fine with me too. (I’d probably help him pick one out, and join in on the play.)

So, if nothing else, I think there’s a greater chance that kids with same-sex parents are less likely to grow up with traditional gender roles reinforced at home. Maybe they’ll absorb that there’s more than one right way to “be a man” or “be a woman.” (In fact, there are as many right ways to be both as there are men and women in the world.)

At least, that’s what I hope.

However, even a child in the most nontraditional family is going to be exposed to the dominant gender ideology through friends, pop culture, the educational system, and other nonfamily institutions.

I know I sound really pessimistic, but I do think same sex couples are generally more egalitarian.

You are so my new boy crush!

Haven’t kept a diary, but I suspect we each spend about 14-15 hours a week in ‘primary’ time.

and I’d still check off all those things you did.