The Republic of T.

Black. Gay. Father. Vegetarian. Buddhist. Liberal.

Trucks with Nutz

And I don’t mean the nuts behind the wheel. This is the kind of thing you file under “You’ve gotta be frickin’ kidding me.”

As a guy myself, and the parent of a four-year-old boy, I’m aware that the relationship between a man and a particular part of his body start young, is passionate, sometimes obsessive, and (usually) life-long. Entire books have been written about it. I’d recommend A Mind of Its Own: A Cultural History of the Penis for serious reading on the subject, Talking Cock for a more humorous take, and Hung: A Meditation on the Measure of Black Men in America for a different take. (And, yes, I’ve read them all.)

For a little boy, it’s like getting a new toy that you can take with you everywhere you go. But almost immediately after that initial discovery, people start telling you that (a) you can’t play with it everywhere and (b) everyone doesn’t need to see it. (At last, a toy that it’s OK not to share.) It’s not something that grown men should have to be told. It’s one thing for a little boy to run around saying to everyone “Look what I got!” It’s another altogether for a grown man to constantly remind everyone of what he’s got. In fact, it’s enough to make anyone wonder if a guy like that’s got something to prove. Or is trying to compensate for what he hasn’t got, or what he really thinks he hasn’t got enough of.

Needless to say, Freud would have a field day with guys like that. And after checking out the pictures below and reading about the phenomenon that spawned them, he’d probably want to get these guys on the couch for some analysis. After he lit a cigar, of course. (The pics, BTW, may not be quite SFW, so I put them below the fold.)

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Yeah. You’re seeing what you think you’re seeing. I’d heard about thgis tow service at Truck Nutz before, when a bill to ban them was proposed in the Maryland legislature (and never made it out out of committee, BTW) but hadn’t really thought much about it until I a picture accompanying this post at PopPolitics.Com.

Some days you need to tone down the cultural criticism and just observe and appreciate the world on its own terms.

So don’t expect much commentary here as I bring you into the world of the latest truck accessory: Truck Nutz. That would be the technical term for the artificial male genitals hanging from the bottom of a 4×4.

Trying … to … tone … down … cultural … criticism. Will … weakening. Can’t … hold … out … much … longer.

Ah screw it.

There are two things worth noting here: the kind of vehicles these things are attached to, and the obligatory pictures of the guys posing with their “Truck Nutz” hanging appropriately.

First, the vehicles they’re attacked to. There’s a reason why they’re not called “Prius Nutz,” “Mini Cooper Nutz,” “VW Bug Nutz,” “Mazda Miata Nutz,” “Saturn Nutz” or even “Mini-van Nutz.” They’re for trucks, jeeps, or SUVs. In other words, “manly cars.”

The Manly Man loves cars. The manly car can be almost any car, except such blatantly girl cars such as pink Cadillacs. Color can play a part. It could possibly be a Gremlin or other AMC product. If the manly man must drive a “heap” he must know how to make it run. Remember his work ethic and self reliance. Most manly men can do up to 80 percent of their own mechanic work. Hot metal, burning oil and caustic chemicals are the manly man’s world. Manly cars must serve their purpose first. ie. a heap with a boom-boom stereo is not manly. The Manly Man does not need air conditioning, a stereo or other worldly environmental controls. The Manly Man lives with the world he is dealt, besides what manly man has time to listen to the radio with all the wonderful mechanical music being made by his machine. This is why you will see manly men in loud machines.

The guys who drive them, as I’ve pointed out before, have something to prove.

Men whose masculinity is challenged become more inclined to support war or buy an SUV, a new study finds.

…”I found that if you made men more insecure about their masculinity, they displayed more homophobic attitudes, tended to support the Iraq war more and would be more willing to purchase an SUV over another type of vehicle,” said Willer said. “There were no increases [in desire] for other types of cars.”

Experts agree.

Celestino Fernandez is a sociology professor at the University of Arizona. He specializes in popular culture and has studied and written about automobile culture.

He says Americans have a “love affair” with our vehicles, which is obvious not only by the amount of time we spend in them, but by how we personalize and decorate them.

Fake testicles convey an image of alpha-male, an exaggerated sex drive, or a statement of masculinity, Fernandez said.

“We don’t see gun racks anymore but if you go back 10 to 15 years, all these pickup trucks had gun racks hanging inside the back window. … The testicles are a new version of the gun rack.”

I could say more about “guns-as-phallic-symbol,” and probably will later, but I think the professor’s on to something. After all, these things are dangling from the rear view mirror, like a pair of fuzzy dice, for the driver to gaze upon and occasionally fondle. They’re hanging in back, where they can dangle in the face of whoever happens to be behind the “Truck Nutz” owner. Especially if they’re driving a car that doesn’t require a step ladder to get into. If you’re driving a “manly car” you’re probably up high enough to avoid having some other guy’s “Truck Nutz” in your face. (Which, of course, means you’re an “alpha male,” just like them. Right?)

It’s like the vehicular version of “tea-bagging.”

There’s just one other thing that occurs to me. These things don’t appear to be that securely attached, if you know what I mean. In fact, according to the DAQ (for “Dumb Ass Questions), they’re made of “hard plastic.” Hard doesn’t mean invulnerable, though. And having your junk hanging out can be dangerous.

One month from today will be the 14th anniversary of the night John Wayne Bobbit met with the business end of a kitchen knife wielded by his then-wife, Lorena.

I’m not suggesting anything here, or saying that anyone should run out and buy some extra-strength gardening shears or a hacksaw. But it seems to me that if you go around imposing your “manhood” on any-and-everyone around, sooner or later someone’s going to get tired of looking at your junk and snip it off. So, it’s probably just a matter of time before someone takes matters into their own hands and we start seeing stories of castrated trucks and SUVs.

Guys, your anxious masculinity — as exhibited by your, uh, “exhibition” — may actually give you some thing to be anxious about. Think about it.

Besides, real men already know they “got a pair.” The only guys anybody wonders about are the ones who are constantly trying to prove they “got a pair.” The truth is, they’re only trying to prove it to themselves, because their efforts to prove it to the rest of us leave us pretty much unconvinced.

2 Comments

  1. Yup, ive seen all these kinda trucks. I even have a buddy who was submitting his bucket to trucking Ride of the month and he photoshopped his “ballz” (ie. coconuts hanging from the rear) off the car.

    Not very proud of them eh? Great post!

  2. My truckin Truck Ride of the month didnt work.

    Anyways, another random thought.

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