I’ve been thinking the same thing for a while now. Hold tight, brother. It sounds like you have so many things to give meaning to your life that you will find some kind of balance.

GDad

The frustration, on one level, is normal for anyone in my current situation; with major life changes either in process or looming on the horizon. In the past year I’ve changed jobs and become a parent again. Next month I turn 39, which means that there’s another milestone looming on the horizon, and one that’s a natural point to reflect on the past.

On another level, the frustration is something specific I’ve dealt with for a while now. I’ve written before about being diagnosed with ADD when I was in my 30s. I got treatment, and things changed dramatically for me in some ways, specifically in the kinds of work I was able to do. I’d spent my 20s struggling to keep my head above water, crashing and burning in every job I had and not know why or what to do about it. Those were “lost years”, during which I watched my peers advance in their education and careers while I floundered, and wondered what it was they “got” that I just couldn’t.

It was after my diagnosis and treatment that I realized I’d lost a decade of my life, and the opportunities it held bit that I wasn’t equipped to take advantage of , because I needed help I didn’t know how to get for a problem no one knew that I had. (And those who figured out that I had a problem were primarily concerned with making it no longer their problem.) When I got treated I did better, worked better, and starting moving forward after treading water for more than 10 years.

That’s when I discovered that my life had changed in ways I hadn’t considered. In fact, much of it didn’t belong to me anymore. I had responsibilities to my employer, which I had to meet because I had financial responsibilities I had to meet. I had a family that required (and requires) my time an energy as a husband and father if I want to have a happy family. Suddenly, there was, and is, little time or energy for anything that doesn’t have to do with work or family, or anything not connected to a duty or responsibility to someone else.

What that means, because I don’t make my living writing or writing about the things I’m passionate about, is that at a point in my life where I’ve finally found what I love to do and have a passion to do I’ve also reached a point where I have to do less of it. If I’m going to be a responsible employee, parent, etc.

Right now, I’m trying to figure out how or if I can make a living writing about the things I’m passionate about. And even then, how much of a living? Like I said, the 38-year-old me has a lot more responsibilities than the 25-year-old me. Can I forge a new career path if it means a pay cut? Can I do it now? Or will I need to wait until the kids are older? If so, can I do it at 45? 50? Starting a career, that is. What do I do between now and then?

I don’t have any answers to those question right now. I’m still thinking them through. But I’m haunted by the feeling that a door is closing in my life that I won’t have the opportunity to walk through again. In fact, I’m wondering if a part of my life that held chances for me to achieve some degree of career success, is just plain over. And if it is, what do I do with the desire that still remains.

If I can’t fulfill it, do I let it burn and just live with it? Do I extinguish it? How?

That’s why I wish sometimes that I could just shut that part of myself off, and just not think or want. It seems like it would be so much easier.

Echoing what rachel said. I tried using the “contact” to circumvent the closed comments. Terrance, I hope my message reached you and was well received.

Having my first child was a life-changing experience. Having my second - while working full time - was more like getting hit by a truck. The transition to three, for whatever reason, wasn’t nearly as brutal.

Terrance, congratulations again on your addition. If it’s any consolation, the sleep-induced phychosis started to ebb around month number four. I’m now raising three beautiful children (as a single parent), and I sleep almost every night.

Hang in there, and thanks for all the rockin’ writing.

Wish I were closer — would come over to do some babysitting. I’m getting a powerful grandparent jones, as my first is due in July.

Of course, periodic photographs of the adorables would work too….

I enjoy your writing. Please stick around.