Is there anybody still out there listening? Just thought I’d ask. It’s been four days or so since I’ve done any actual writing, or at least what I’d call doing my own writing, and it’s been making me a little crazy. That’s partly because I’m always a little concerned that falling silent in the blogosphere for too long is the same as disappearing altogether.
Granted, with a new baby in the house, I might be forgiven for blogging less than I usually do. It’s definitely not easy. I suppose I could take a leave of absence for a while, at least until Dylan starts sleeping through the night, because it’s mighty difficult to keep yo with what’s going on and to string together even a coherent thought or two when you’re suffering from lack of sleep.
And when I do get around to writing, I’m just catching up and writing about stuff that was news four days earlier. I’ve got about three posts in various stages of completion, and as I sit writing this post on Sunday night, to be posted on Monday, Dylan is here in the office with me, sleeping. Before to long, I’ll “top him off” with a diaper change and a bottle before heading to bed myself, in hopes that he’ll sleep a little longer before it’s time for another bottle, etc. In the meantime, I’m sitting here trying to decide which of my unfinished posts is even worth finishing. All the while, I’m trying to keep from nodding off.
And it’s brought to a realization that kind of alluded to in an earlier post.
I’ve had the good fortune to discover something that I love doing, have a definite passion for, and that at least some people think I do pretty well. I have the great misfortune of not making a living at it. And as a working parent, that means that all of this doesn’t just come second in line with the rest of the priorities in my life, but it actually end up coming fourth or fifth; after the responsibilities of work and family have been satisfied, and if I have any energy left. I’ve stumbled, I think, on to what I’m “supposed” to be doing, at the precise time in my life when I have the least amount of time in which to do it without neglecting work, family, etc.
So, why do it? Basically, it keeps me sane. I write because it keeps me from going crazy; because words and ideas start coming together in my head and I have to write them down, if only to get them out of my head. It would be much easier if I could just not think, because if I didn’t think I wouldn’t want to write, and if I didn’t want to write I wouldn’t get increasingly frustrated when the circumstances of my life mean that I go days at a time without writing.
It’s a “fix” I guess I need a little of every day, whether it’s the excitement of the ideas and words coming together in my head, the satisfaction of having written something I feel good about, and the sense of connection I get from being able to post it here or somewhere else, get comments, and engage in dialog with the people who read it. And it feels like a “fix” because if not being able to write for days at at time sends me into a kind of withdrawal—complete with moderate depression and frustration—then being able to finally write something almost always causes those feelings to lift.
Now, if I could just find a job doing the kind of writing I do here, about the kinds of stuff I write about here, I’d be all set.
In the meantime, I just wanted to make sure this thing is still on, because I intend to get back up to speed sooner or later. I just hope there’s still some people out there reading by then.
rachel says: 
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