Wingnut Week In Review: The Locker Room Debate
After Thursday night’s performance in Detroit, the next Republican presidential debate may as well be held in a middle school boys locker room. It couldn’t have been more juvenile, unless the candidates ran around the stage snapping towels at one another.
Coming on the heels of Super Tuesday, it was supposed to be the most important Republican presidential debate of the 2016 campaign. Instead, Thursday night’s Republican debate will go down in history as the first time a presidential candidate actually boasted about the size of his penis. To top it off, the subject got more airtime than:
- Social Security
- Climate Change
- Drug Policy
- Health Care
- Workplace Protections
- Paid Leave
- Equal Pay
- Voting Rights
- Racial Justice
- Criminal Justice Reform
- Student Debt
- Wall Street
The debate took place in Detroit, Michigan, less than 100 miles away from Flint, where the state’s Republican-dominated government let the citizens drink and wash in lead contaminated water for more than a year, just to save money. Yet, Flint only got less than two minutes of airtime during the debate.
Thanks to Donald Trump and Sen. Marco Rubio, this week’s GOP presidential debate quickly devolved into a d*ck measuring contest. All the remaining candidates lacked were a few drinks and a tape measure.
As always, guys like Trump and Rubio are ignorant of a truth known to many, if not most, of the rest of us: guys who publicly boast about their endowment are usually the ones who are most anxiety about their fragile masculinity, and the ones with the most to prove — primarily to themselves. Don’t take my word for it. There’s scientific evidence to back it up. A new study of howler monkeys showed that males with smaller “sexual weaponry” compensate with by howling louder. There’s something else we have in common with our fellow primates.
Republicans are trying to beat Trump by becoming Trump. The problem with getting down in the mud with someone like Trump is that he has the home field advantage, because that’s where he lives. You won’t beat him that way, and you’ll end up just as dirty as dirty as he is.
The only person to land any serious blows on Trump was moderator Megyn Kelly.
It’s All Over His Face
Once the GOP’s biggest celebrity bully, and a strong contender for the White House, New Jersey governor Chris Christie has been reduced to Donald Trump’s stooge. It was all over his face at a Trump’s post-Super Tuesday press conference.
It was the latest in a series of humiliations for Christie. Shortly after he dropped out the race, Christie turned around and sucker punched his closest rivals (Cruz and Rubio) by endorsing Trump instead of picking one of them, dealing blows to the last candidates the GOP establishment hopes that one of them can stop Trump. Christie couldn’t resist getting in another swipe at Rubio, even at the risk of sabotaging his party.
- A hot mic caught a humiliating exchange between Trump Christie. After his lukewarm speech endorsing Trump at a rally in Arkansas, Trump was heard telling Christie, “Get in the plane and go home. Go home. It’s over there,” referring to Trump’s private plane. Like a lackey, Christie obeyed. Sure, he got treated like an errand boy, but at least he got to ride in the boss’s plane.
- Hewlett-Packard CEO and former national finance co-chair for Christies campaign called his endorsement of Trump, “an astonishing display of political opportunism,” and called on Christie’s donors to reject him and Trump outright.
- Former New Jersey governor Christine Todd Whitman blasted Christie as a “desperate opportunist”, for endorsing Trump in hopes of getting a spot in a Trump administration.
- WaPos’ Jennifer Rubin declared Christie “ruined,” politically, saying, “Trump has rendered Christie an isolated, pathetic object of scorn. Other Republicans should take note.”
- Christie’s approval ratings fell from 33 percent to 27 percent after endorsing Trump., and from 34 percent to 18 percent with unaffiliated voters.
- The New Hampshire Union Leader, rescinded its endorsement of Christie over his backing for Donald Trump.
- In a joint editorial, seven New Jersey newspapers called on Christie to resign as governor, over his endorsement of Trump and his continued travel out of state “on New Jersey’s” dime, to stump for Trump.
Christie introduced Trump in a strangely low-energy speech, for someone who loves the spotlight and the sound of his own voice as much as Christie. It had all the energy of a hostage video, complete with silent pleading for someone — anyone — to save him.
Then, as Trump launches into his own speech, Christie stands silently behind him, wearing the thousand yard stare of a man who just heard the trap door spring open and suddenly realizes how irrevocably screwed he is. It’s somewhat akin to the look on Wile E. Coyote’s face the split second after he falls off the cliff, and just before gravity yanks him back down to earth.
The video shows Christie nervously shifting his weight from one foot to the other, touches his face almost as if to confirm that all of this is real, and that it’s really happening. He looks around almost as if he’s expecting a rescue squad to burst upon the scene and carry him away to safety.
You can literally see the moment Christy realizes no rescue is coming. The earth is rushing towards him, and he all he can manage is a silent scream. There will be no climbing back to heights from which he’s fallen. His transformation from the GOP’s attack pit bull to Donald Trump’s lapdog is complete. His life is now waiting and hoping for scraps to fall from Trump’s table.
There’s nothing better than watching a bully get his comeuppance, except watching it happen at the hands of an even bigger bully. Twitter had a field day.
— NowThis (@nowthisnews) March 2, 2016
If Christie blinks in Morse code, he's being held hostage. pic.twitter.com/1AjLtWTpv8
— Ben Shapiro (@benshapiro) March 2, 2016
— Murph's Law (@MurphofSteel) March 2, 2016
— Kathy Griffin (@kathygriffin) March 2, 2016
— John Aravosis (@aravosis) March 2, 2016
That's the look of a whore who just realized the John skipped out on the bill. https://t.co/BtYFafNuuW
— Steve Deace (@SteveDeaceShow) March 2, 2016
— Nathan Ralph (@thenateralph) March 2, 2016
— Steven Schapansky (@Legopolis) March 2, 2016
— Russell Thomas (@MrMeritology) March 2, 2016
Here’s the best of the rest in wingnuttery this week:
- It was a bad week for culture warriors. South Dakota governor Dennis Daugaard (R) vetoed a bill that would have made the state the first to dictate which bathrooms transgender students used in public schools. The South Dakota House failed to override the governor’s veto.
- Georgia’s Republican governor Nathan Deal broke ranks with conservative lawmakers, and used the New Testament to speak out against a “religious freedom” bill that’s already causing businesses to consider leaving or avoiding the state.
- The Republican-controlled West Virginia Senate overwhelmingly voted own a bill that would have allowed businesses and individuals to discriminate against LGBT people on the basis of their religious beliefs.
- Iowa lawmakers passed a bill that would allow children under the age of 14 to “possess a pistol or revolver” with parental supervision (of course).
- Fox News host Stacey Dash, who recently spoke out against Black History Month, made a brief and bizarre appearance at the Oscars; to wish everyone a happy Black History Month.
- Fox News contributor Kevin Jackson called comedian Chris Rock’s opening monologue at the Oscars “tragic” for America.
- Meanwhile, Fox News pundit Kmele Foster claimed that blacks are “over-represented” at the Oscars anyway.
- Poor Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-Texas) has been reduced to calling into Glenn Beck’s radio program to beg for campaign donations to fight back against allegations of being a “clown” and an embarrassment to Texas. It’s true, of course, but Gohmert still needs money to fight it.
- Texas has other trouble. Former teacher Mary Lou Bruner, who believes that President Obama worked as a gay prostitute, could soon win a seat on the state board of education.
- The newly elected chair of the Republican party in Travis County, Texas, spend election night tweeting about former governor Rick Perry’s sexual orientation, and former president Bill Clinton’s penis. Robert Morrow said that several members of the Travis County GOP who plan to force his resignation “can go fuck themselves.”
- Glenn Beck has already “lost $300,000” supporting Ted Cruz for president.
- Former Michigan Republican lawmakers Cindy Gamrat and Todd Courser appeared in court to face misconduct charges related to alleged crimes the pair committed to cover up their affair, by either using publicly paid staff or lying to investigators.
- Pat Robertson thinks gays won’t find “real love” until they’re “ex-gays.”