The Republic of T.

I wrote earlier about trying to teach my son empathy, and even earlier about the question — as a parent who’s also a “non-theistic Buddhist” and wishes not to set foot in a church except for weddings and funerals — of how to raise our son with a clear set of values and ethics without having to resort to a return to some form of organized religion with, with it’s unresolved and unresolvable conflicts and baggage. For now, I’m trying to teach Parker to put himself in other people’s shoes and think about how certain actions would make him feel if they were directed at him, just to get across the idea that other people have the same feelings and feel the same pain that he does when he’s hurt. Next comes understanding why he should avoid hurting others, but for now, based on my observations, that much is already starting to filter through.

It’s a conundrum I’ve yet to figure out, but the hubby made a good point when we were discussing it last week (he’s pretty much in the same place I am when it comes to organized religion), that if we don’t bring him up with something in terms of a set of values, he’s more likely to be ripe-for-the-picking if he ever encounters a religious cult or fundamentalism when he’s older. That’s something I definitely don’t want. At the same time, I’m hesitant to “choose” a religion for our son or require him to go through the motions of adhering to a specific one, as I experienced growing up. (Going to church was not an option or a matter of choice in our house. So I went, and sort of pantomimed belief long after I’d give up on the faith I was raised in.)

And in American culture, it’s unavoidable. I can’t tell you how many times in the last four years, we’ve gotten religiously-themed presents for Parker; books about Jesus, Christian-themed toys, etc. I know they’re from well-meaning people who simply made assumptions that our family must be Christian (gay, liberal Christians, but Christians nonetheless, because what else would be be?), but it’s still rather awkward, because we end up making a serious effort not to offend, by not letting it show on our faces that it not “exactly what we wanted” for our son, and quietly setting it aside rather than figuring out a polite way of explaining that we don’t want our son getting those types of gifts. Instead, we quietly give them away.

But I can’t escape the feeling that something is unavoidably encroaching upon our family, it won’t go away if asked politely, and I’m not quite sure what to do about it.

Technorati Tags: buddhism, children, culture, parenting, puppy, religion, secular

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[Ed. Note: Another for Blog Against Theocracy. How do you participate? Just post something this weekend about, and in support of, separation of Church and State.This was originally posted on August 31, 2006.] 

I posted earlier about the political influence of the "Rapture Ready" crowd, and prior to that about their specific influence on foreign policy based on their particular interpretation of the book of Revelations. But, CUFI and the Apostolic Congress notwithstanding, some people think that the current talk of theocracy potentially looming on the horizon amounts to paranoia. But, when I look at some recent news items and developments, I think some level of paranoia is justified. I'm talking about:

• Stuff like what happened to the Smalkowski and Dobrich families.
• The conservative legal organization that's endorsed mandatory school prayer.
• The Missouri legislators who sought to establish christianity as the state's official religion.
• The Georgia mom who wants to ban Harry Potter from the school library, because the series offends her religious beliefs.
• The conservative blog that published the Dobrich family's address and phone number.
• The Wiccan soldier killed in Afghanistan, whose family can't get the army to put the symbol of his religion on his headstone.
• The conservative outrage that the a U.S. Marine base might provide Muslim U.S. service members with a place to worship on base.
• The evangelicals who've taken over the Air Force Academy and made it hell for anyone who isn't an evangelical christian.
• The Bush administration joining forces with Iran's fundamentalist government, to block U.N. access for GLBT human rights activists.
• The lack of oversight in Bush's faith-based initiative, that's basically spawned a taxpayer-supported evangelical christian proselytizing cottage industry, supporting groups like the Silver Ring Thing and Prison Fellowship.
• The same faith-based initiative supplying the Salvation Army with 95% of its budget, thus supporting religious discrimination with tax dollars.
• The Indiana Republican legislator who wanted to marriage a legal requirement for motherhood and enforce criminal penalties for out-of-wedlock pregnancies.
• The Republican Senate Candidate who can declare separation of church and state "a lie" and still be the front-runner for the Republican nomination.
• The Left Behind video game, in which kids go on "convert or kill" missions against unbelievers, homosexuals, etc.
• Some of the same loonies mentioned above want to hold a constitutional convention.
• And, yes, the people who want to hasten Armageddon with bombs.

I could go on, believe me, but I'll stop lest I come off as paranoid. I'll just add that it was items like the laundry list above that inspired me to add Kingdom Coming: The Rise of Christian Nationalism, The Baptizing of America: The Religious Right's Plans for the Rest of Us, and American Theocracy: The Peril and Politics of Radical Religion, Oil, and Borrowed Money in the 21st Century to my reading list earlier this year, with the thought that I'd read them as a means of gaining some insight into the people, policies, and propaganda behind all of the above.

After reaching a critical mass (really, after the Dobrich and Smalkowski stories) I decided not to wait for the paperback editions, bought the books one by one, and read them to see what they could tell me that I didn't already know. The answer? Plenty. Afterwards thought that I might eventually post a review of all three. So, here goes.

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I’d been meaning to ready Jennifer Finney Boylan’s memoir, She’s Not There: A Life in Two Genders, since seeing her story on Oprah when the book came out, and picked up a copy on sale a few weeks ago. I just finished reading Talking Cock, which was kind of a follow up to Hung: A Meditation on the Measure of Black Men in America, which was a belated follow up to A Mind of Its Own: A Cultural History of the Penis. And picked up The Male Body: A New Look at Men in Public and in Private, intending to finish it this time. Plus I’d read The Riddle of Gender and Evolution’s Rainbow: Diversity, Gender, and Sexuality in Nature and People not long ago, so Boylan’s book seemed like the next logical thing to read.

I’ve been familiar with issues facing transgendered persons for some time now, starting when a friend of mine in college confided in several of our friends about transitioning from female to male. It was a whole different kind of coming out, and I remember being awed by the courage with which he and his partner dealt with coming out to friends and family, and the strength of commitment they showed in staying together through the transition. At the time it struck me as several times more difficult than coming out as a gay man. And after learning even more since then, it still does.

So, while I wouldn’t compare the experience of coming out as transgendered and going through gender transition to the experience of coming out as gay or lesbian, there was a passage in Boylan’s memoir that resonated with me so much as a gay man, and with so much I’ve been reading online lately, I had to put the book down for a minute, think about it, and read it again.

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What do people have against girls? No, really. It kind of mystifies me when here about some of the things that get people riled up where girls are concerned. I mean, there was the whole HPV vaccination — the one that could save many young women from cervical cancer (and save a few young men from anal cancer too) — and the people who thought it was a bad thing, because these young women might have sex and not get HPV or end up with cervical cancer. And we all know that those are far better outcomes than allowing young women to “sin without consequences.”

Wouldn’t it be awful if young women were sexually active and didn’t end up with HPV and cervical cancer? Sure, but it would be even more awful if young women learned how to figure out with they could have sex without a huge risk of pregnancy. And there’s only one way to make sure they don’t figure it out. Make sure they know as little about their bodies as possible, and whatever you do, don’t let them read any books on how their bodies work.

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Have you ever had a friend go through a messy divorce or break-up? At first, you’re sympathetic as you would be with anyone whose relationship has come to an end; especially a messy, painful end. Then you hear a bit more of the story and wince at some of the details. Okay, so your friend isn’t perfect, but disappointment and a broken heart will sometimes make people do things they wouldn’t if they were in their right minds.

The problem is, it doesn’t stop. The couple goes their separate ways, but you’re friend can’t let go. Next thing, you’re friend is leaving messages on the ex’s voicemail and making impromptu appearances at the ex’s workplace; leaving evidence of madness all over the place. It gets to the point where you’re embarrassed for your friend.

If this sounds familiar, you may be friends with Terry McMillan.

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I’ve referenced Stephanie Coontz’s book, Marriage, a History: How Love Conquered Marriage, before and am looking through it now to pull some passages for reference in an upcoming post. Of the books I’ve read on marriage, Coontz’s is the most comprehensive take on how the “institution” has changed with every social change that’s come down the pike. In fact, it’s been in a constant state of flux. If you don’t read any other book on the history of marriage, I’d recommend Coontz’s book.

In the meantime, you can check out her recent op-ed, “‘Traditional Marriage’ isn’t as Straight Forward as All That.” (Love the play on words in the title. Don’t you?)

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I’ve been wondering lately whether or not I’m too young to write a memoir. Not famous enough, maybe? (I have a hard time imagining that many people would want to read it.) The reason it’s been on my mind is because of a couple of books I’m reading.

I rarely re-read books anymore, and I’m not sure what put me in the mood to read Jeb and Dash: A Diary of Gay Life 1918-1945. I read it about a year ago, finally ordering after it had been recommended by a friend a couple of years earlier. It’s basically the diaries of a gay man — given the pseudonym “Jeb Alexander” — who lived in Washington, D.C. from 1918 through 1945, edited by the niece to whom he willed the diaries. (Actually, he left 50 volumes of diaries spanning from 1912 through 1965, when “Jeb” died following a cerebral hemorrhage.) Maybe it was the opportunity to read about gay life before I was even born, to see how much we had in common across history, and to see the city through the eyes of a gay man who’d lived in D.C. before me.

I guess it was another book I’m reading that made me grab Jeb and Dash off the shelf again, because it made me reflect on my own past and the significant moments that pretty shaped my present.

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There are a few abiding truths about my life. One is that I’ve always been and always will be a writer. I’m not sure I ever actually owned that one until I started blogging. But a quick glance back through my personal history suggests that it’s always been the case. I remember my sister and some our friends created an extended story, a “movie” that we built our play around; complete with characters and plot. At some point, I pulled myself up in front of a typewriters and banged out a “script” of about 30 pages. (Which, at the time, I thought was rather long.)

Then there was the point, somewhere around with 6th grade, that I tried to write a Civil War novel. I managed to get through the war in seven chapters, before I quit upon realizing that I’d totally ripped off Margaret Mitchell. After that, I might have attempted another novel or two, but never finished one.

Until November 2005. That was when discovered National Novel Writing Month and decided to take the plunge. Four weeks and 50,000+ words later, I finished a first draft of my novel.

Of course, it’s not finished yet.

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We missed sharing a birthdate by one day (and 62 years), but one of my favorite poets has his centenary today. Here are links to two of my favorite poems of his, "Oh Tell Me the Truth About Love" and "Funeral Blues." 

Have you ever been in love? Are you in love? What did it? What made you fall in love?

The short answer is: your brain.

I’ve asked questions like this before, like “When did you know you were heterosexual?” and “Why did you get married?”, and usually they’re inspired by something I’m reading. The latter question came to mind while I was reading. What Is Marriage For? and Marriage, a History: How Love Conquered Marriage, both of which, by the way, do an excellent job of tracing the history of marriage, how it developed and how it has changed during the course of human history. (And, lest anyone point out that “it’s always been a heterosexual institution,” I point to William Naphy’s Born to Be Gay: A History of Homosexuality as one historical resource which suggests that hasn’t always been the case in all human societies and cultures, but that many recognized some form of same-sex or same-gender union).

This time it’s inspired by a book I just finished, Why We Love: The Nature And Chemistry Of Romantic Love by Helen Fisher. Besides reminding me another favorite book, A Natural History Of Love, I was impressed that Fisher included gays & lesbians in her survey of how we experience romantic love; especially in light of some recent studies and reports on the subject.

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It looks like my reading on religion and politics isn’t done yet. Thus far I’ve read: Kingdom Coming: The Rise of Christian Nationalism, The Baptizing of America: The Religious Right’s Plans for the Rest of Us, American Theocracy: The Peril and Politics of Radical Religion, Oil, and Borrowed Money in the 21st Century, A History of the End of the World: How the Most Controversial Book in the Bible Changed the Course of Western Civilization, Jesus and the Disinherited, What God Has Joined Together?: A Christian Case for Gay Marriage, When Religion Becomes Evil: Five Warning Signs, The Secular Bible: Why Nonbelievers Must Take Religion Seriously, Pocket Guide To The Apocalypse: The Official Field Manual For The End Of The World, God’s Politics: Why the Right Gets It Wrong and the Left Doesn’t Get It, The End of Days: Fundamentalism and the Struggle for the Temple Mount, The Sins of Scripture: Exposing the Bible’s Texts of Hate to Reveal the God of Love, Misquoting Jesus: The Story Behind Who Changed the Bible and Why, Skipping Towards Armageddon: The Politics and Propaganda of the Left Behind Novels and the LaHaye Empire, Letter to a Christian Nation, The End of Faith: Religion, Terror, and the Future of Reason, Atheist Universe: The Thinking Person’s Answer to Christian Fundamentalism, Tempting Faith: An Inside Story of Political Seduction, and The God Delusion.

Whew. I hadn’t realized how long that list was until I wrote it just now. That’s not counting the related titles sitting on my “to read” list and/or in a pile next to my desk. And it’s bound to get longer still. If Chris Hedges’ latest AlterNet column is any indication, I’ll have to add his American Fascists: The Christian Right and the War On America to the list, and maybe even move it to the front of the queue.

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My previous post about Nigeria’s proposed anti-gay law (passage of which is now said to be unlikely), and the parallels between it and post-colonial slave codes got some notice, both for the content and the title (which was chosen to make a point emphasized in the content). I hadn’t planned on returning to the subject, until I read a couple of items this morning that brought it back to mind, and underscored some associations I tried to make before.

The first was a report of a Nigerian man who, upon receiving a six week sentence and a fine for approaching another man for sex, plead guilty and claimed the devil made him do it.

A self-acclaimed homosexual, Mr. Francis Chima, was yesterday sentenced to six weeks in prison by an Abuja magistrate court for demanding sex from a man.

… Before he was sentenced, Mr. Chima pleaded for leniency and promised that he will not repeat such offence.

According to the First Information Report (FIR) “Francis Chima demanded to have sex with his victim at the riverside at Utako.”

The complainant reported the case according to police report, because he saw it as unnatural.

“It is the work of Satan but I promise that I will not do it again,” he told the court.

The devil made him do it? I couldn’t help asking myself, where did he — or anyone else — get that idea? The idea, that is, that same-sex activity os so foreign to Africa and Africans (and some might also say African Americans) that it takes an foreign agent — supernatural or otherwise — to, uh, insert it.

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Not sure how much blogging I’ll be able to do today, with work and everything, but there were two quotes I came across this morning that I wanted to pass on. One was on the back of a van I saw as I came out of the subway this morning, the other was in the introduction of a book a coworker gave to me, which I read while waiting for my computer to start.

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