The Republic of T.

This weekend, we attended a local conference for LGBT parents and families, and I spoke on a panel about interracial couples and intercultural families. At some point, I found myself speaking less as a gay dad and more as a black man raising two black sons, and wondering aloud just how I would prepare them for the reality of what they will likely face as black men, and how I will prepare them for that without catalyzing what I know is an inevitable loss of innocence; the same innocence I love to see in them, and so want to protect as a parent.

But I know that I will be doing them a disservice as their father if I don’t prepare them for the reality I’ve experience myself, and that they will both have to face in their own time. It’s no surprise that in the middle of the panel discussion, I remembered an exchange I had with my own father.

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I’d forgotten about this.

If a woman consents to having sex with a man but then during intercourse says no, and the man continues, is it rape?

n Maryland–as well as in North Carolina–when a woman says yes, she can’t take it back once sex has begun–or, at least, she can’t call the act rape.

That was the recent ruling by Maryland’s Court of Special Appeals in a case that may soon make its way to the state’s highest court and that has captured the attention of feminists and legal experts across the country. Advocates for victims’ rights insist it’s not just a matter of allowing a woman to have a change of heart. If the law doesn’t recognize a woman’s right to say no during sex, they say, there is no recourse for a woman who begins to feel pain or who learns her partner isn’t wearing a condom or has HIV. Those who are wary of these measures say they’re not arguing against having a man stop immediately when a woman no longer wants to have sex, but with how to define immediately.

Until I read this.

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Usually, it’s just the inevitable question that comes up as one completes the mundane tasks of life, like rolling over a 401(k) or — as happened to me last week — while making an appointment with a new doctor: are you married. Usually it’s not so much a matter of life or death as it it just filling out a form.

Usually, I take a deep breath and answer that I’m “partnered” or that I’m “as married as I can be,” which is immediately understood. Then we move on to the next question. But there are a thousand different ways in which the answer to that question can impact our lives and our families, because we can’t legally marry, and the law can’t figure out what to do do with us, or how to define us, and hasn’t caught up with us as we forge ahead with our lives, making commitments to each other, and creating our families as we go. In those cases, we don’t often gee the benefit of the doubt.

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So, per yesterday’s post and despite what I said earlier, I did vote in the Maryland primary this morning. It turns out Kucinich was still on the ballot, so I voted for him on the presidential slate. When it came time to vote for delegates, I voted for the “uncommitted” ones rather than the ones who were already committed to one candidate or the other. (I threw in a couple of Edward’s delegates too.)

But one big reason I went to the polls this morning was Montgomery County’s school board election. You can get the whole story at Vigilance, the blog Teach the Facts. Basically it came down to whether I want the fundamentalist theocrats at the Thomas Moore Law Center dictating the curriculum in my kids’ school district. You can guess my answer.

It started back when Montgomery county launched a gay-friendly sex-ed curriculum for 8th and 10th graders. PFOX got involved, and somehow managed to slip flyers into student’s backpacks in 2006, and later a local group of fundies funded by the Thomas Moore Law Center threatened to sue the county into oblivion because everyone knows that hearing anything about gay people—let alone the notion that maybe LGBT kids shouldn’t be picked on an harassed, but treated with the same respect as anyone else—will turn kids gay. (Because everyone knows that you’re heterosexual from birth, but gay people are apparently asexual until adolesence, and then only if someone gives them the idea.

Well, only four percent of students opted out of the sex-ed pilot. (Shows you how many parents in Montgomery County objected to it in the first place.) Nonetheless, the Moore-funded fundies took the school district to court, and ultimately lost.

But they don’t give up easily. I have to give them that. They’ve vowed to sue again, and the candidate they supported for the school board last year ran again this year.

I don’t want anyone backed by these folks (the same ones who defeated in Dover, PA) making any decisions concerning my kids’ education. Period.

So, to the polls I went.

Technorati Tags: maryland, montgomery county, sex education, sex ed, thomas moore law center

It goes without saying that becoming a parent changes you in countless ways. I’ve heard it described as having your heart walking around outside of your body. I’ve heard it said that you learn to love in a way you never did before, and you learn to fear in a way you didn’t before. I know that becoming a husband and a father made me a lot more emotional than I’d ever been. I can access emotions now that seemed to be permanently walled off. I knew something was up the day I found myself crying while watching an episode of Oprah.

I’ve also developed a kind of “parent radar” or at least that’s what I call it. That is, I don’t just keep up with my own kid. When we’re out at a park, playground or social event. I keep an eye out for other kids too. It’s like I automatically scan the area and figure out which kids belong with which adults. (And which adults, at a playground or a park, aren’t there with a kid, a dog, or their jogging shoes.) And out of the corner of my eye I’ll spot a kid rushing headlong in to danger. Once I saw a toddler about to get hit by a bicycle—neither the bicyclist or his mother saw him in that moment—and pulled him out of the way just in time.

Maybe it’s because I see a little of my own children in every other child I see. Maybe I see that same vulnerability, and I’d want someone to look out for them if I wasn’t there. Maybe it’s not that unusual. No one wants to see a child hurt. Or at least most people don’t. Who wouldn’t try to save a child from harm, even if it’s not their own? After all, not being a parent doesn’t mean preclude anyone from loving or caring a child. And, unfortunately, being a parent—even to children they’ve conceived and birthed—doesn’t make some people any more inclined or equipped to deliver the love and care that comes after conception and deliver. Thus, this series.

child abuse, children, civil rights, courts, current events, family, gay rights, marriage, politics, same-sex marriage

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Or else. That’s what I thought when I read about John and Cynthia Burke, after someone linked to the article in a comment on my post at Pam’s.

After six years of childless marriage, John and Cynthia Burke of Newark decided to adopt a baby boy through a state agency. Since the Burkes were young, scandal-free and solvent, they had no trouble with the New Jersey Bureau of Children’s Services—until investigators came to the line on the application that asked for the couple’s religious affiliation.

John Burke, an atheist, and his wife, a pantheist, had left the line blank. As a result, the bureau denied the Burkes’ application. After the couple began court action, however, the bureau changed its regulations, and the couple was able to adopt a baby boy from the Children’s Aid and Adoption Society in East Orange.

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I’ve been meaning to post some kind of follow-up after my last three posts on mental illness and mental health care (or the lack thereof). After going off about the lack of mental health services, or lack of access to treatment, can lead to problems for the mentally ill, their families, and the rest of society, it was encouraging to read about states increasing funding for mental health services. But it raises some interesting questions about how to achieve a balance that also protects the rights of the mentally ill.

I thought about it a couple of weeks ago, when I read about Kaine’s plan to boost mental health funding, in the wake of the VA Tech shootings. But that funding comes with a reform that—though apparently intended to address situations in which people, like VA Tech shooter Seung Hui Cho, don’t get court ordered treatment—raises questions about the effectiveness of basically coercing the mentally ill into getting treatment.
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This weekend, the hubby and I took advantage of the baby-sitting co-op we joined when we moved into our, got a babysitter and went out to a friend’s birthday party; something we haven’t done in about a year. It was a chance to catch up with friends we hadn’t seen in a while, all of whom asked us how Parker is doing and how old he is now. When we said that Parker is five years old one friend of ours noted how happy and “unstressed” the hubby and I appeared to be the parents of a five year old boy, and implied that means we must be doing something right.

I like to think so. In the five years that have passed since I walked out of the hospital into a cold November night with our son, I’ve discovered that now I never stop being a parent. From the first step I worried that he might get too cold going the short distance between the hospital and the car. Anyone who meets Parker immediately notes what a healthy, energetic, smart kid he is. I like to think we had something to do with that, and that it means we’re doing our jobs as fathers well.

But every so often I run in to someone who questions whether we are “real” parents, or just two people taking care of somebody else’s kid; in other words, glorified babysitters. People like the on who left the following comment in a previous post in this growing series.

child abuse, courts, crime, current events, family, gay rights, homophobia, marriage, parenting, politics, same-sex marriage

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When Chanelle Pickett was working at NYNEX in Brookline, MA, I was working at HRC in Washington, DC. While Chanelle Pickett was being harassed and fired for being transgender, I was working on ENDA, among other things. While Channelle Pickett was unable to find work and turning to prostitution as a means of survival, I was working at HRC, trying to pass a version of the Employment Non-Discrimination Act that did not include gender identity. But that’s a historical matter now.

That was over 10 years ago. I don’t know what I was doing on November 19, 1995, the night that Pickett met with her killer, William C. Palmer. They already knew each other, and Pickett’s sister said Pickett liked Palmer, and thought of him not just as a “trick” but as potential relationship material. I don’t know what I was doing the moment Palmer strangled Pickett death, apparently consensual sex that resulted in Pickett’s semen and Palmer’s saliva being found on his jeans afterward. Do the math and you’ll probably guess that Palmer clearly knew Pickett was transgender.

I don’t know what I was doing the exact moment that Palmer “sat on” Pickett for 10 minutes, strangled and struck her, and stuffed part of a comforter down her throat (no doubt to stifle her screams). I don’t know what I was doing that exact night, while Palmer slept for six hours with Pickett’s body in his bed before he called his lawyer, who then called the police; or what I was doing the morning after, when the police arrived to find Pickett lying in a pool of blood.

Whatever I was doing, it wasn’t enough to help protect Pickett from the workplace discrimination that helped put her on the path to Palmer’s fatal embrace. I don’t know what I was doing, either, on May 3, 1997, when a jury acquitted Palmer of murder and merely convicted him of assault and battery. Nor do I remember what I was doing on May 15, 1997, when the judge sentenced Palmer — after acknowledging the brutality of the “beating” meted out to Pickett — to 2 1/2 year in prison, and then suspended the last six months of the sentence.

Most of us probably don’t remember what we were doing that long ago. But we’re still debating ENDA and gender identity, ten years later. Are we we much closer now to preventing stories like what happened to Chanelle Pickett from happening today.

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I’ve been researching and writing about anti-LGBT hate crimes since July, and it hasn’t gotten any easier. Perhaps that’s because, as I said before, sometimes it means spending days with a particular story. And not just with the details, but with the victims and their experience of the brutality visited upon them. And even though intellectually I know the motivation behind the crimes, I find myself asking the same question I imagine the victims asking themselves and their attackers, sometimes silently and sometimes screaming: Why?

Reading and writing about so much brutality has changed me, I guess. Much in the same way being a parent has changed me. For example, it’s difficult for me to hear or see anything about violence done to children. When a news story or television show about a crime committed against a child comes on, my instinct is to change the channel. I guess it’s because I can’t help but imagine the same thing happening to my child. I know how a child reacts to pain, from a simple “boo-boo” to accidentally bumping a knee or an elbow or a head so hard that crying is preceded by almost silent screaming.

I’ve held and comforted my son through many of those “boo-boos” that are part of being a healthy, happy child who sometimes plays a little to hard or with less care than I as a parent would prefer. I’ve kissed “boo-boos” and put bandages on them. I’ve dried tears and rocked him until the pain subsided and he was ready to play again. But my son is confident of something that some children are not; that the hands that are supposed to care for him will not harm him, and that his parents are there to make sure he’s safe. That makes Parker a little different from little Mikey Vallejo-Seiber.

anti-gay violence, child abuse, children, courts, crime, current events, gay bashing, gay rights, gender, hate crimes, homophobia, masculinity, parenting, politics

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Today is a big day for the hate crimes act, according to Congressional Quarterly.

The conference report on the fiscal 2008 defense authorization bill (HR 1585) is expected to be released as early as Tuesday, and members of the Armed Services panels hope to clear the measure before heading home for the Thanksgiving Day recess.

That means the hate crimes act will be heading for the president’s desk soon. So, it seemed like a good time to post a list of all the cases I’ve researched and written up thus far for the LGBT Hate Crimes Project.

As I mentioned in the previous post, I’m researching and writing up cases of anti-trans or anti-trans-related hate crimes between now and the Transgender Day of Remembrance. I’ll have two new cases up in the next couple of days. But for now, here’s a full list of the cases compiled thus far, by last name of victims where known and/or appropriate.

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With the bruising battle over ENDA still stinging some of us, and the Transgender Day of Rememberance approaching on November 20th, it seems appropriate to continue the LGBT Hate Crimes Project by adding as many new transgender-related cases as I can research and write up between now and November 20th.

It seems appropriate because, as I pointed out before, a combination of anti-trans bigotry and employment discrimination often puts some transgender women in position of doing what some trans activists have called “survival sex work”; something that puts many of them in danger of being targets for anti-trans hate crime, often stemming from “trans panic”, a close cousin of “gay panic”.

Alfred Dibble, who worked as a registered nurse, may not have done sex work out of economic necessity, but — like Bella Evangelista, and Emonie Spaulding — that’s likely what led to him being a victim of “trans panic,” found beaten unconscious only to die several days later without ever regaining consciousness.

blogs, courts, crime, current events, gay rights, gender, hate crimes, homophobia

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I tend to repeat myself, and there’s something from that last post that bears repeating. At least I think so, because it’s pretty good lead in to another installment of poisonous parenting.

But I do remember using the word “commitment” — the same one Dr. Height used in talking about our families — when the host asked me what I thought was the most important thing a child needed in a family. I meant more than just commitment to one another between parters or parents, but commitment to making sure a child grows up in a home where he/she knows he/she is loved, wanted, protected, respected, and accepted for who he/she is, in a place where he/she is safe and cared for.

I started writing this post right after I finished the previous one, because it occurred to me the main point made a good jumping off point for another installment in this series.

As I listened to the rest of the show, I was struck that Dr Height and I used the same word — “commitment” — in talking about our families. When the host asked me what I thought was the most important thing a child needed in a family. I meant more than just commitment to one another between parents and/or extended family, but commitment to making sure a child grows up in a home where he/she knows he/she is loved, wanted, protected, respected, and accepted for who he/she is, in a place where he/she is safe and cared for.

“…[C]ommitment to making sure a child grows up in a home where he/she knows he/she is loved, wanted, protected, respected, and accepted for who he/she is, in a place where he/she is safe and cared for.” That’s something that that’s not dependent upon what parts you have, what you do with them, or whether you can reproduce with them. No matter what the Maryland Court of Appeals says.

I’m not sure why my my commitment is worth less and less worthy of protection and support than the family next door or across the street from me. After all, we’re all committed to making sure our kids grow up in homes where they are loved, wanted, protected, respected, accepted, safe, and cared for with love. Nor I sure why some people make the cut for equal protections and equal citizenship just because they can make babies, but can’t manage to bring them up in homes where they’re wanted, loved, respected and — most of all — safe and protected.

Britney Spears — who, you’ll remember, once got married as a joke, and for 55 hours still had more rights and protections in her marriage than I do in mine — had to be court ordered to childproof her home in order to have visitation with her kids. But one almost gets the idea that really making the house safe for children might mean removing Spears from it. Or the kids.

child abuse, courts, crime, current events, family, gay marriage, homophobia, marriage, parenting

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